Matt Berusch
Collage
Creative Writing
Oetter p4
4:16 a.m. January 22, 1992:
The first time I opened my eyes.
7:45 a.m. January 22, 2008, conversation with my mom as she drives me to school:
“Mom, I just don’t know. I don’t really feel like running after school today.”
“I don’t care Matt. You promised me you’d go. You are running!”
“Jeez Mom! Chill, fine I’ll go, but you better make me my favorite matzo ball soup tonight.”
3:25 p.m. January 22, 2008, mood:
Dreading 3:45.
3:45 p.m. January 22, 2008:
First day of track.
7:50 p.m. January 18, 2008, conversation with my dad after dinner:
“You know those kids will be way faster than you.”
“Yea, I know.”
“Then why are you going to do it?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, “ Who knows? Maybe I’ll get faster. It’ll also be great conditioning for soccer next year. I could try out again.” Who was I fooling? I was not about to embarrass myself in front of my club teammates again by not making the high school team.
“But won’t you be bored practicing everyday and never competing in a real meet?”
“Maybe, but hopefully I’ll be one of the best scrubs. I can’t be that slow.”
4:40 p.m. January 22, 2008, epiphany:
Those kids are not faster than me.
5:15 p.m. January 22, 2008, conversation with new teammates in locker room:
“Berusch, you got some wheels man!”
“Nah, I don’t think anyone was really trying.”
“Still man, I saw you win a bunch of heats.”
The use of dialogue is very compelling at somepoints but I felt that other times the technique was overused. Oh matt... you just love track too much. I like the listing of time and dates. Why do you choose to start with your bday though? I also would like to know more about how you came to the epiphany of "you are faster". Good job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Taylor, the dialog is great but in some places maybe use more details to show what is happening during the dialog, like your dad and mom's emotions, body language...ect. Also, maybe describe one of your track meets. How you feel before the race, during the run, what your thinking. Its a great idea! You can really write a lot about this!
ReplyDeleteMatt,
ReplyDeleteI also liked that you chose to mention the date and time before each section. I noticed at one point for your conversation with your dad that you went back in time 4 days previous to the section before, but it made sense. You then returned to the same day as the first section (4 days after the convo with your dad) but it was an hour after practice, and you had realized you and your dad were wrong in your prediction. It flows nicely this way. My only concern is that it seems complete at this point for me. You had an epiphany that you shouldn't make judgments before giving something a try and as a result you discovered your love for track. It may work out as you continue to write. Well done.